Editor’s Note: This is the last article in our Prospective PhD series, and the LL team thought it would be great for a current PhD student to share her experiences of pursuing a PhD as both a wife and a mother, and give a different perspective and advice for mothers who desire to pursue theological education.
The first thing women in theological education spaces want to talk to me about is what it’s like to be a mom and a student. It’s at the top of so many minds, so I know it’s important. Guys want to talk about Cyril of Alexandria, the nature of Scripture, or patristic interpretations of a passage (these are where my research is focused), but women ask me about being a mom and a student at the same time!
It’s also a hard thing to write. Motherhood is lovely and one of the sweetest gifts I’ve received from the Lord, but it has plenty of challenges. Each mom’s experience of motherhood is different because each mom and each family is different, with different needs and preferences. These differences are all too often weaponized against us, either out of conviction (I’m doing the right/best thing) or insecurity (what you’re doing makes ME feel uncomfortable).
Since each mom wants what is best for her kids and family, these decisions touch our hearts in surprising ways. When I write about my experience doing anything as a mom, especially when it comes to the challenges motherhood brings, I’m always aware that what has worked well for our family might not work for everyone. And when I talk about the challenges of motherhood, I recognize the profound gift of facing these challenges and that many women long for the things I take for granted or complain about.
With all of that said, I can’t possibly talk about being a student and being a mom generally, but I can share what our family’s experience has been, and I think offer some reflections that might encourage other moms or people in the lives of moms who are or want to be students.
My Story
Drew and I were still in college when we got married and felt called to international missions. When we graduated, we moved to Louisville, KY, and started studying international church planting together. I loved it! I’ve always been the person who asked way too many questions, and since I didn’t grow up in the church and only visited with friends, my youth group leaders usually didn’t know what to do with me. When we went to seminary, I found a place where my questions were answered, and I was encouraged to keep asking!
A couple of years in, we found out we were going to have a baby! This gift shifted the timeline for when we would finish school and move overseas, but we were excited. I took a break from school that ended up being several years longer than we expected, as we learned about food allergies that completely derailed our plans. Several years and a couple more babies later, Drew and I knew we both wanted to finish those master’s degrees; he had also taken a break from school amid all the change. I read and studied during nap time, slowly taking 9 years to finish an MA. We graduated when our kids were 6, 4, and 2, with the last on the way.
Then we felt the Lord leading Drew to go back to school. Our church sent us well, and we were confident that our next step would be to move to Wake Forest, NC, so that Drew could earn a PhD. We lived in seminary housing with some of the sweetest families, and our kids played together, and the moms gathered together on the playground. I also met women on campus, primarily through our Society for Women in Scholarship, who loved learning at least as much as I did. And for various reasons, Drew and I felt the Lord leading me to take classes as well. I had a few more classes to take as prerequisites and started in 2019 while I was also homeschooling our older kids and chasing the babies, they were 9 down to 1.
Because of the affirmation of so many, I am now nearing the end of my coursework and will start writing my dissertation by the end of the year. The oldest just started high school and is going to school 5 days a week for the first time. The younger three are at our university model school, where they are in the classroom 2 (for the younger 2) or 3 (for our middle schooler) days a week, and the rest of their school is done at home. Which means I’m studying for comps, in the carline 10 times a week, juggling two different sports schedules, trying to be a faithful church member, and working part-time.
Knowing my story, I hope that some of my reflections will encourage the moms reading, the moms thinking about theological education, and those around them to support them in unique ways.
A Team Sport
A friend has said it so many times that it’s seeped into my bones: a PhD is a team sport. As I think through my own story of motherhood and theological education, I can’t help but tear up thinking about all the people who have made it possible.
Finishing my MA while pregnant then nursing and needing to be on campus for a weekend class while nursing was an adventure. Drew was amazing. Friends came on trips to class with me so I wouldn’t have to drive 9 hours by myself. Grandparents watched the kids for the weekends when I had class. Our pastor was so supportive, asking me questions about my classes and encouraging me to keep digging. I got so excited about one of my textbooks that he decided he needed a copy too so we could talk about it.
After we moved to Wake Forest, the Society for Women in Scholarship showed me I wasn’t the only girl who asked questions as I did. I grew friendships with women who encouraged my questions and helped me get to know professors. A neighbor watched all four of our children for my 3-hour class every week for a semester. I’d put our 18-month-old down for a nap in her apartment. When I needed to talk to someone about anything other than potty training, friends were there too. They’ve cleaned my house, played with my kids, and made dinner. They’ve given frivolous gifts just so my kids can have fun. My kids have sacrificed so we could be here in ways we’ll never know, so the gift of them having fun has been invaluable. They listened to me think out loud, even when I knew they didn’t care about the subject; I knew they did care about me. So many little things that made it possible to do what I do.
Part of my application process was finding a supervising professor. When I met with Dr. McKinion, I said I didn’t know I could do it, I’m just a homeschool mom. And he told me I could do it BECAUSE I was a homeschool mom—I had the discipline and the ability to motivate myself, in addition to my academic skills. Other professors along the way have invested in my academic and personal development. They’ve listened to me cry. They’ve celebrated with me when something goes well. They’ve introduced me to their friends at conferences and opened doors for different types of work. They’ve encouraged me at our kids’ sporting events, pushing Drew and I to persevere in the long and hard work of school. The professors in my life have been invaluable, and I’m so thankful they’ve been part of my team, whether they know they are or not!
While I’m listing our churches last, they are far from least on this list. Across the several churches we’ve been part of through my 15 years of motherhood and theological education, they’ve gone far beyond being communities who have loved our family, helped disciple me and my kids, and provided for us in many physical and spiritual ways. They have given me opportunities to serve, called out gifts that I couldn’t see in myself, and pushed me toward the Lord. They gave me a vision for what it means to use my gifts for the kingdom, so that I could be better equipped to serve them.
Currently, we’re members at the Summit Church in RDU, and our pastor, JD, has gone out of his way to support friends of mine. Our small group has prayed for us and encouraged us repeatedly. The women’s Bible study teaching team has challenged me to sharpen my communication because of the weight of communicating the gospel. The women who attend have helped me to see the importance of the academic study I’m in the middle of, so that I can continue to grow in the knowledge of the Lord and teach the word more effectively. Our friends at church who don’t know that I’m in seminary that serve with me and teach me in a hundred different ways because of their love for God and for people.
You Have Permission
I’m not sure I can ever articulate how much I needed to hear Dr. McKinion tell me that I could do a PhD because I was a homeschool mom, and to have him on my team. Or friends tell me that I was asking the right kind of questions for this type of study. Years before, our pastor gave me a book on the need for women’s ministry to have deep roots in Scripture and theology because he saw that in me. Or my husband saying, “I told you so,” but in a much nicer way. I needed permission.
I didn’t have a real reason. I don’t have particular career goals. I started with a hobby in theology and let it take over. I needed (and still need!) the people around me to see me and my work and to tell me that I have permission to keep studying.
I used to coordinate a women’s certificate program, led the Theology class, and was able to give feedback to the students. Many were the wives of pastors or seminary students who wanted to be equipped along with their husbands. Some were women who felt the need to be better trained for the work they were doing in their local churches. When I got to read a really great paper and tell that student she should think about graduate work, 9 times out of 10, she was SHOCKED. It had never occurred to her that graduate-level theological education was for her, too.
I’ve known several certificate students who have kept in touch, moved into the grad program, and I’ve gotten to see them walk across the stage when they complete their MDiv. Pastor’s wives, ministry leaders, missionaries.
I got an email from a former student just this summer that said I had asked her if she’d ever though about a master’s degree. I haven’t heard from her in years but she’s graduating this December and she and her husband are missionaries. She said that because I (and of course others!) gave her permission, she is better equipped for the work they’re doing and she is more like Jesus because of it.
There are many barriers to women going to seminary. There are even more for moms. Is it worth the needed childcare, the limited ability to work, the sacrifice the whole family will feel? That mom may need permission from you. You will never know how a small word can be the nudge that that mom needs to use the gifts the Lord has given.
You Can’t Do It All
But, mom, you can’t do it all.
Drew and I are asked all the time how we “do it all” and we just laugh. There are clothes piled on the couch, dishes piled in the sink (it happens fast with 6 people and no dishwasher!), the kids watch more TV than I’d prefer, I don’t volunteer at their schools like I’d like. There are tons of things we don’t do. Because I’m in school.
This also means that there have been times where I’ve set my education to the side or chosen a path that was much slower than my peers. Or not taken jobs I would have really loved because I would have had to set down something I wasn’t ready to set down. Because I was pregnant or nursing for a decade. Because I have four little people in my home who also need my time and attention. Because twice a week for 6 weeks we’ll have a cross country meet or a football game and let’s not think about basketball season.
The thing is that if you’re a PhD student or thinking about being one, you’re probably pretty gifted. And someone has told you that you have a responsibility to steward those gifts for the kingdom. And when you’re given 10 talents, you better invest those talents well. And while they mean it as an encouragement or sometimes to remind people who aren’t already investing to tune in, sometimes we (I) take this type of comment as the burden to use all of my gifts all of the time.
The Lord has given me the ability to think and ask questions, he’s given me the desire to write and to teach. He has also given me four children that are gifts straight from him. I wanted to stay home with them. The Lord knew that he was giving me kids with food allergies where everything they put in their mouths needed to be made from scratch. It meant that when I was drowning in toddlers I wasn’t investing as much in growing in teaching and writing. I stewarded that season as the Lord led our family. And now I get to steward a new season with a different emphasis. But I couldn’t have been pregnant, nursing, cooking from scratch, and also preparing for comprehensive exams.
Only you and the Lord know your capacity. Only you and your family know what you want to prioritize in any given season. You should stretch yourself and invest your gifts well for the kingdom. But you don’t have to use all of your gifts at the same time. Nobody can do it all.
Count the Cost
Remember that any time we pick something up, it means we set something else down. We moved half way across the country from all of our family. It cost us, our kids, and our families something. Yet the Lord has given our kids extra aunts and uncles not to replace but to add to the family we’re far from.
It costs financially. Not just tuition but the reality that you only have so much time and can only take so many jobs. It costs relationally because there’s only so much time and so many books to be read.
While my team is AMAZING, not everyone is. Every time I talk about PhD student life, I get asked what it’s like to be a woman in an SBC seminary. And honestly it’s wonderful. My classmates are great, my professors have been amazing. But the internet says unkind things, like the troll who asked me how many children I killed or prevented so that I was able to get into the PhD program. Joke’s on him, we were actually bad at not having babies, but that comment could have really hurt someone else. Or the assumption that I’m neglecting my children in some way. Or not doing enough in whatever area people want me to be more in. People will say dumb things when they don’t know you, you should be ready for that.
You can’t do it all. Is the cost worth it in this season?
Application
In my heart of hearts, I’m a Bible Study teacher, and this just feels like the right way to end this.
To the moms—go get permission. Ask your husband, ask your pastor. Calling happens in the context of the church. We find our gifting as we serve the church. If you should go to school, someone has seen it but maybe they didn’t know they could give you permission. You can ask for it.
Then build your team. You can’t do it all so what can other people do for you? Who will encourage you when you don’t do well on an exam? Who will you talk about your books with? Who will help clean your bathrooms or fold your laundry or watch your kids or sit in the carpool line? If you’ve been serving in your church, there will be people ready to serve you and they just need to know how. You can tell them!
Or maybe the Lord is telling you to wait. It doesn’t mean you’ll never go to seminary, it just means not now. And that’s good too. Invest in the gifts for this season well and trust that he won’t let the others go to waste.
If you’re not a mom, you know one! Open your eyes for the women in your church who may need permission or someone to join their team. Help them evaluate if now is the time or if the cost now is too great and they should wait until later.
